Marrying Out Of The Jewish Faith
by Ira Rothenberg
Intermarriage is a marriage between a Jewish individual and a non-Jewish spouse who has not converted to Judaism. Intermarriage, which is also known as an interfaith marriage, is not unusual in each religion.
The Rabbinical Assembly of America, a Conservative group, did a study of the national Jewish population in 1990, which shows that some 33% to 50% of North American Jews are intermarrying. A majority of Jewish partners do not really practice Jewish traditions, and often do not provide their children with a Jewish education or experience. Also, 70% of children of intermarried couples are not being raised as Jews.
An article in the May 18, 2001 edition of the Jewish Journal, titled 'The Impact of Intermarriage' mentions a study by American Jewish Congress on 254 people from 127 inter-faith households living in New England, New Jersey, Colorado and Georgia that raised children Jewish.
Among its findings:
Most inter-faith parents do include Christian celebrations and aspects out of fairness for the non-Jewish partner/parent or out of consideration for the non Jewish in-laws;
Children who were encouraged by their Jewish parents to marry other Jewish partners tend to marry out of faith more than the children whose parents gave no opinions on intermarriage;
50% of American Jews believe opposing intermarriage is racist;
78% think rabbis should perform inter-faith marriage ceremonies;
Non-Jewish parents later on became resentful of their children's Jewish up-bringing even though they had made an agreement in the beginning;
About 3/4 of Jewish female partners of non-Jewish mates raise children Jewish;
Interfaith couples begin discussing on which religion to follow in the household when they become serious during their dating relationship instead of waiting until after their marriage.
Rabbinical Responses
All the rabbinical associations agree that the marriage between a Jew and non-Jew
is not a celebration for the Jewish community. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis are
forbidden to perform intermarriage ceremonies. The 1999 survey by the Rabbinic Center for
Research and Counseling also indicates 57% of the Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis
would not perform inter-faith weddings.
The rabbis do recognize that intermarriage happens be cause we live in a modern society, not because of any other religious influences.
If a Jewish person decides to marry a non-Jew, the rabbinical association feels that synagogues and congregations should give the non-Jewish partners encouragement for conversion or Jewish education. By involving the non Jewish partner/parent in all parts of Judaism, they feel it is important to keep the Jewish partners and children in the Jewish community.
Also, they strongly encourage the inter-faith couple to maintain a Jewish home, raise the children as Jews (even though the non-Jewish parent may choose not to convert), provide Jewish education to the children and participate in the synagogue activities.
The Orthodox Jews do not consider inter-faith families a part of their community if the non-Jewish spouse does not convert nor keep a complete Jewish home.
Rabbis are encouraged to discuss options, issues and concerns with inter-faith couples i.e. as exploring their reasons, acceptance in the wider Jewish community, importance and role of the State of Israel, identity and recognition of children and relationships with extended families. This way, rabbis help the inter-faith couples keep Jewish homes and identities.
According to Orthodox, Conservative & Reconstructionist rabbinical associations, if the mother is born Jewish, the children are automatically accepted as Jews. The Re form rabbinical association will recognize children as Jewish as long as either parent is Jewish.
Controversial?
Intermarriage is an ongoing debate among the Jewish community. Part of the
debate shows that the in-reach and outreach groups are divided on intermarriage. The in-reach groups feel that resources should be used to increase or strengthen the commitments
of the Jewish people that already participate in the Jewish community (such as to encourage
dating others who are also Jewish themselves).
Outreach groups favor or support efforts to welcome intermarried families and encourage them to get involved in the Jewish community.
Jewish Deaf Community?
Sometimes the Deaf Jews see themselves as Deaf first, and some
others see themselves as Jews first. Those who see themselves as Jews first would marry
within the faith. Deaf Jews who see themselves as Deaf first tend to marry out of faith
because of the shared language of signs and common experiences of the Deaf community with
the non-Jewish partners. Among the non-Jewish partners, each one of them has his or her own
reasons for not converting.
The Deaf and hearing rabbis serving the Deaf include Fred Friedman, Rebecca Dubowe, all past rabbis of the Temple Beth Solomon (Los Angeles) including Alan Henkin; do not perform inter-faith weddings. Where do these couples go? The available choices are to get married outside of their faith by a priest or minister or in a civil ceremony by a Justice of Peace.
Rabbi Alan Henkin, a hearing Reform rabbi who had worked with the Temple Beth Solomon of the Deaf in Los Angeles, California for many years, does not conduct intermarriages. "I tell them that I do not believe that, in the last analysis, intermarriage is a good thing for the Jewish community. I do refer them to rabbis whose standards for intermarriage I respect... All the data tell us that when intermarriage occurs, the children of the family are generally lost to the Jewish community."
Henkin says he has done nondenominational funeral services. "I use much of the same liturgy, but I do it in English and include some poetry." When he asked how he handles requests from a non-Jewish mother to per form a bris ceremony for her new baby boy, he says "I recognize the principle of patrilineality, which means that Jewishness passes through the father as well as through the mother. So I have no problem participating in the brit milah or the baby naming for the child of a non-Jewish mother and Jewish father."
Marrying Out Of The Jewish Faith
Rabbi Rebecca Dubowe, a Deaf Female Reform Rabbi in Thousand Oaks, California also does not perform interfaith weddings. "When I am approached
by a couple, I explain to them that I do not officiate at interfaith wed dings however
there are rabbis in the community that are available to do them. I do not refer specific
rabbis rather I have them contact the local UAHC office- the umbrella organization of the
Reform Movement... "I feel very strongly that as a rabbi - I only do Jewish weddings which
means that both people are to be Jewish. It is a very sensitive subject. Of course, I try
to discuss the pro and cons of an interfaith marriage. I also encourage them to take a
class on Introduction to Judaism as it may motivate the non- Jewish partner to convert. I
always have an open door to welcome these people and do not turn them away immediately.
"There is a fence around the Torah that we are responsible to guard ... I am not prepared to leave the fence wide open but rather keep it close to maintain Jewish survival." When asked about doing funerals, "Usually these arrangements or requests are discussed prior to one's death ...meaning that usually the funeral would be non Jewish and then later that evening to observe shiva or other time, the Jewish spouse would request a memorial service in memory of their beloved. I have done one or two non-religious funerals and added a few Jewish prayers for the mourners. Therefore I am open but for the most part- but it rarely happens."
"In Reform Judaism we recognize at least one parent who is Jewish and if they request a bris, they can usually find a Reform mohel. We name all babies or children, male or female as long as one parent is Jewish.
"Another issue is with marriage ... when I am approached by a person who has one parent Jewish and one not and is committed to observing a Jewish life, I recognize that person as Jewish. Reform Judaism recognizes patrilineal descent, meaning if the father is Jewish and the mother is not and the child is raised in the Jewish community. The child is recognized as Jewish."
Rabbi Fred Friedman of Baltimore, Maryland is an Orthodox Deaf Rabbi. While he does not do intermarriage weddings, he also says if asked by a couple who wants to marry and do not want to convert, Friedman says he would tell them to "find other rabbi who will do this for money".
"Two faiths in one house does not work at all, unfair and confusion to their children if any. Love at first sight is not a Jewish way. Know the boy or girl first (their background and culture, religion, etc.) before getting serious." On funerals, he says "I only will do for a Jewish person in a Jewish cemetery." What about funeral for the non-Jewish spouse? "I will not do this... It is not easy just telling that a person is not Jewish and need a funeral but I do told one or two people that I cannot do this because the person is not Jewish even though they have a plot at the Jewish cemetery."
Request from a non-Jewish mother asking for a bris for their new baby boy? "I will not do this. Nor any Orthodox mohel will do this... I would love to do the bris milah for any Jewish mother who have a baby boy. I am looking into it."
On intermarriages, Friedman says "I strongly suggest that every couple who are different faith to read some books, 'To Be a Jew' by Rabbi Donin, or see some consultations from professional counselor or social worker but I think they ought to think it over before getting serious about getting married to different faith. Not only just the difference in religion but their in-laws relationships, relatives and then their children will be torn between two faiths, funeral service will be upstaged by both sides over religion rituals, etc.
"I am against intermarriage at all cost. Today's lifestyle is so different from our time (1960-1970's) They become infuriated and want to get married without thinking about consequences."
Further Resources and Readings
www.TwoRoadsOnePath.com, Jews for Judaism
'Bubbe and Gram: My Two Grandmothers' by Joan C. Hawxhurst and Jane K. Bynum
'Mixed Blessing: Overcoming the Stumbling Blocks in an Interfaith' Marriage by Paul Cowan
'Jewish Jeopardy' (article), Reform Judaism magazine,
Fall 2001 (Vol. 30, No. 1)
'Preserving Jewishness in Your Family: After Intermar riage Has Occurred' by Rabbi Alan Silverstein
'It All Begins With a Date: Jewish Concerns About Inter marriage' by Rabbi Alan Silverstein